I need feedback or a response poem, thanks.
Just for a second...
“Can I be real a second, for just a millisecond?
be myself without my people leaving?
for just a millisecond?
save my mental sake for just a minute?
“For just a millisecond…”
For just a microsecond
be myself before i disappear in a second
look at me for a millisecond or for that nanosecond?
“before I slip back into quiet, where silence wears my name.”
show you my soul for what it is for a second?
i need that second
i need that millisecond
i need that microsecond
i need that nanosecond
can i be real for just millisecond?
“before I vanish, just let me exist.”
into your milliseconds
into your nanosecond
ain't got time for that?
ok then your Picosecond
i just need to be near ya a second
“just let me be real, for the smallest forever.”
for the smallest breath
for i fall to my death
hug me for a second
love me for a millisecond
see me for a nanosecond
or for that Picosecond...
Answer (2)
Your poem effectively uses time metaphors to express longing and the need for connection. Consider enhancing the clarity of your message and the emotional depth of your ending. Keep exploring these themes as they resonate deeply with many readers.
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Imagery and Emotion: You effectively use time-related metaphors (like "millisecond," "nanosecond," and "picosecond") to express urgency and the fleeting nature of existence. This creates a strong emotional impact. Consider expanding on what being seen means to you—what feelings or memories might accompany those seconds?
Repetition: The repetition of "for just a millisecond" emphasizes your plea and adds a rhythmic quality. You might experiment with varying the structure slightly to create tension or build towards the final lines.
Clarity of Message: The theme of wanting to be "real" is powerful. You could clarify what "being real" looks like for you—are there specific feelings, thoughts, or experiences you want to share?
Ending: The conclusion is poignant, but you might think about a final line that either offers hope or emphasizes the importance of connection. This could leave the reader with a lasting impression of your message.
Overall, your poem is heartfelt and relatable, addressing the universal need for understanding and acceptance. Keep writing!
